Sweet, dear, loving time

I would love to be able to start this little post by declaring my undying love and affection to this trustworthy friend and dreadful enemy. However, I keep wondering if it is time that changes me or if I am to discover it doesn't actually do much to the metamorphosis taking hold of me as of late.

Oh yes, my tender flesh and young blood are changing their chemical compound at a speed I have never witnessed before. It is as if I could hear under my skin the molecules clashing and reforming and be forced to watch the very fibre that covers me expand and stretch and refold in a hurtful origami dance that seems to be going nowhere…

It may not be the first time that these changes occur. With time and age and mistakes I guess they must unfold upon anyone. Nevertheless, I have never felt them as strong and as completely out of control as these past few months.

What is there to be understood of this? Passing pages will eventually come back? Will the old be entirely replaced or be modified and kept? Will the dust gathered upon so many corners be swept away or just lay down again on other shapes?

Is the finding to be proved true... that people are merely walking equations, understood by few but mysterious to others, that love and friendship are but variables and that the melting of bodies just a coma between units and subunits… Is selfishness and doubting others to be the newly crowned queen of the reign over my future?

I don't even know where these words are taking me. It's still so blurry and dark…

"Camina la punta de mis dedos sobre tus hombros,

Sobre la piel dura, como la que cubre los libros,

Se me rompen las unas al tratar de abrirte,

Y se me queman los ojos al tratar de leerte…"

[to M., to Y., to S., to DD.]

Someone asked me a few days ago what the purpose of this blog was. Pretty basic yet tricky question when you would expect artistic criticism or praise, or comments on style, or rhythm or ideas…

I therefore find myself in a pretty weird situation trying to explain this not to others but to myself. Maybe I’ve changed a little in time and am now more open to the world than I was before, but I had to admit that when it was created, this blog was merely an intimate journal. A little girl’s diary, with everything she could not dream to say or express in any other way than encrypted bits and pieces behind a series of symbols, and colour palettes and letter and pencil lines.

However, in time some posts became less personal and more “for the sake” of art and sharing with others while some have turned into a pretty dirty story for those capable of peeking behind the curtains.

I would therefore conclude that my blog’s purpose, just like many others (even all), is what it is, changes with the point of view or perception you have of each piece or the big picture…it’s nothing actually…unless me or you give it a purpose of being…

[As an answer to Dj.]

Word of the day

in·ef·fa·ble adj. Beyond expression in words

Because this is the way I feel now...I'd like to say I haven't felt like this in a long time...the truth is I haven't felt this way...ever...at all...not even close...So I won't even try to express it or explain it...it's ineffable...beyond expression in words...I'm starting to believe it's even not totally and fully conceivable by the human mind and spirit...maybe what i'm conscious of is just the tip of the iceberg...the rest too profound, too deep for a mere mortal to embrace...

I shall leave this little post surrounded by mist and questions...I myself cannot answer them...but I've given up trying to...it's just one of those feelings in life you let take over and not put a fight, don't try to decorticate or dissect...

It just hurts so much and fills one up with such rapture and joy...I wish to you all to feel something like it in your lives..it's worth it!

http://www.deezer.com/track/881600

[to you]

Little smiles...faith...

Do not expect to find any logic in what follows. It's only random thoughts and ideas...


Ha! Done it agaaain! The straw that broke the camel's back [thank's for this one Arthur...]

Beeing alone [as in home alone or single] is by far the worst living nightmare I can go through. Fear of hights can be fought...but how can you fight a fear of abyss? Well as the immortal genius of Disney taught us all, "When you've hit the bottom, the only way left to go is up." So the smile is still there, so are the eagle eyes and the hunt and abandon continue...

I rediscovered lately my profound love for Jack Daniels. Who said that all that is really good in life is either immoral, illegal or fattening was soooo right....just let vices reign.

And let us not forget books. One of the few ways of expression that is capable of materializing the human soul. So long live books, and constitutions, and white sheets that simply cry to be filled with comments, poems, homework...

And then there's gorgeous eyes. Some look at the face, the clothes, the breasts, the legs, the muscles, the hair, the ass. I look at the eyes...and although I fight against it with all my coscious beeing blue-green light eyes always get to me. It's one of those situations when you don't even know anymore if you want to win or loose the battle...

Babysitting 21 year-olds can happen! And beeing a mommy feels soo good and fulfilling and pissign at the same time...I wonder how the parents of the world stand their children...[Note to self: The other way arround is cliché but still interresting to ask...]

Theme park rides rock! In the end you feel like you've been trapped in a Coke can all day long and somebody shook you up and down...

Oh! Aaand...let us not forget sentimental comas. Sugar-free, biological, self preservation techniques that induce drunken like effects on their victims preventing them from feeling all those grumpy, black, bad-hair, wrinkle-maker feelings...[side effects may appear: weird stuff like freedom, jumping arround, dance moves, and "I don't give a fuck!" sensations]

Having good friends next to you and the pair of perfect blue-green eyes above mentionned in front of you can make you feel life is perfect!

And to finsh this speech let us all keep a moment of silence and pay our respects to good kissers, french declarations of human rights, and teacups of morning hope...

[to E., F.V., Anto., Arthur and coconut flavoured rubber ducks]

This is just you

Now you’re feeling it burn
Let the monster get out
It’s burning inside of you
Simply consuming all out

Let it just burn
Let it consume all that’s left
Let it get out,
The monster’s been spleeping too long
Just let it get out
Give it a chance to explain
Let it all bun
The flames leave but smoke
That’s what you are
A creature of mist
A creature of smoke
Let the monster clawl out
Let if be free
Give yourself in and let it be you
You won’t feel no pain
It’s just part of you
You won’t feel a thing
The others wont too
Let if be free
And only then can you fly
Will you elope
When it’s taking your hand
Guiding your steps
Let it burn out
Let it burn over
So it won’t destroy you
This is not a war
This is just you
Falling from
Hights you’ve never known
Diving too deep inside the howl
This is not a war
This won’t even hurt
Just let it burn out
The monster inside you
So it can be free
It will take your hands
And spin you around
And show you a new world
And give you your wings

Let it be free,
The monster inside you
Let it get out
Before it consumes you
It is part of yourself
So let it take over…


["Just swallow this song
Don't ask yourself why
This torture now falls
You can't imagine how long
It took me to find you
Lost my grip upon life
And now it's all over...";

to F., to M., to R., to O., to A., to ML., to C., to C., to Mk., to V., to DD., to...many others...]

Well...for the second time since I've created this humble blog I have to tell you all a "see you soon" for I'm taking a break from posting...I shall simply dissapear for a while although (very) exceptional posts may appear...

This time it is not a well deserved but a necessary break I am imposing miself...Got to iron out some old T-shirts...

Scratches

And yet sometimes it simply takes over me...this strange sensation...the empty bowel and crawly feeling under my backbone and thighs...I cannot actually define it...I just know it makes me cry late at night or early with dawn when I'm finally alone with myself for a moment, under the warmth of the covers...I can't stop myself from thinking that maybe this isn't a feeling that "is"...but that it tryes to tell me something "isn't"...the butterflies aren't all sweet and peach skin soft...sometimes they scratch the inside untill you feel like growling...and you toss and turn and wrestle with it...but how can one fight an illusion?thin air?an impression or a dream?...you cannot ...at least you cannot through nowadays methods...we humans have lost that purity of soul that made our ancestors capable of proving such memorial feelings as honour, faith, selflessness...some way we have managed to forget that...yet the traces are still there and they exist ...whitch means that there is hope... it is maybe this ancient howl that cries in our ears late at night not letting us sleep...maybe it tries to come back, just like a memory we have fought to keep under for generations...and there is one more thing the world misses today...it is described as love...oh! what a waste, what an incoherence...how can we dare put it all in only one word...when all the complexity of the human mind and soul isn't capable of describing not even the thiniest slice of this starange material...and yet...the fade scent of faith and hope that still touch our senses from time to time have kept enough strenght to revive..if only a little..this feeling...only a little ...too much would be deadly...I have come to understand that we have not the intellectual, physical and soul strenght to survive such a profound desease..such a crushing blessing..such a thing...

So I sit in front of a mirror image of myslef saying this...it's there I know..all of it..it is just too weak to revive...too pale, malnourished and forgotten...supressed....the day we have locked up in the catacombs of our minds and chests theese indefinable feelings and ideals is the day we became mortal...and mortal we shall be untill the day our eyes close and our ribs rip our chests open...

Because tomorrow is tonight...

Because tonight I cannot concentrate...
Because tonight I feel fresh and blooming...
Because tonight I smile without knowing why...
Because tonight I am simply made of music and song...
Because tonight I cannot study french constitutions anymore...
Because tonight I think I'm a lillte more in love than the average...
Becasue tonight I want to be like those lovely nudes in the paintings...
Because tonight I cannot do anything else but think about my walking poem...

Because there's tomorrow...

Keep smiling!

There are moments in life when no matter how hard it gets there's always good friends, hot lips and fine wine to keep your hopes up!!

"Let's summer still..."

Finally back from my little vacations to nowhere!

Switzerland was more than wonderfull and Italy simply begs to be visited again and again. So much beauty compacted into a few cities.

I've danced, I've been happy, I fell in love, I dared, I sang, I flyed, I went out, I ate calories, I tanned, I kissed, I laughed out loud...
And I've grown up this summer too. And I've learned so much. I've learned a few life lessons. Of what I want, and what I should be wanting. How no matter how angelic a pair of eyes may be they can still lie. Of how I simply adore tequila sunrise and my too strict parents. How I love black lingerie and tanned skin, spanish again and again, good music, good books, and sipping hot coffe while dipping my toes into the calm waters of a swimming pool. And I've been doing all the foolish things young girls do during summertime...and I don't regret it a bit.
So now I'm up for the new school year (hey you can only start college once!)...

All happy and smiling...as you all know me...He hee...

Goodbye

Well this is it. I have to say goodbye!

I need a break from all this chaos. I need time to put some order into my priorities and find my equilibrium. I've been through a roller coaster of ups and downs lately and now I feel a little dizzy, a little ill.
I'm just dried out...no more inspiration, no more ideas, no more desire to work...a sort of sentimental coma has taken over me. Partially my fault I must admit...I just believed too much...and I was proven wrong...

So I'm taking my break...my well deserved rest...my long noon sleep...

All left to say is goodbye...


[Photo: Reims; France; May 2008]

Spilled...

"Ce soir...ce soir j'écris..."

... Not because I would have too much to say or too much to write about..but because it's been days that I have this line in my head...

I'm not too good at autobiographies...How can one describe to others what is happening to him if he himself doesn't know it...

I felt lost theese few weeks...not in the bad way...I feel like I've lost my contour...like water spilling from a broken glass...is it freedom , is it just waste? I cannot know ...I just feel I've lost my lines...I 've been so divided...betweek the many sides of myself and now...others too...

I feel like dancing the waltz and sleeping naked..drinking flows of wine and kissing full lips...because after all it's all we have, all that remains after it all ends ...

I find myself once again waitign in front of my own open door...a door that had been shut closed and locked for a long time...maybe for the first time I've opened it myself without hearing a knock...now i'm wondering if there's really someone on the other side or if it was only my imagination...

I try to find my equilibrilum...maybe mercury can be hold in place after all...so I breathe and I dance..and I spread my legs and my arms and curve and bend untill the contour lines crack...

Lately I've been doing what I haven't done in a long time..I've cried at night and smiled at daybreak ..I've lied and felt my remords..I've dared to tend the chord...I've waited with impatience...and I fell in love again and again...with the same pair of eyes, the same song, the same gesture...

...and I now dare to dare again..even if it might be just another jump into nothing... if that be the case I hope I learn in time how to fly or that somebody catches me...

Let's "summer"!

Summer is here! A great feeling is alive again! Let's be happy, let's not worry, let's fall in love, let's dare, let's talk, let's fly, let's sing, let's get out, let's eat calories, let's tan, let's kiss, let's be friends, let's laugh out loud, let's not focus on ourselves and on others...let's just..BE...this summer...

P.S. Help me add to this list!! What would you like to do more this summer? :)

Lost and found

The human mind is by far one of the most complex and weird things there is...

I once read a cute little postcard saying that one needs one second to notice someone special, one minute to take a liking to that someone, one hour to cherish and love...but that it takes a lifetime to forget them...

Well I approve to all of that due to personal experience ... However (there is always a "however") I found out today that it takes nothing more than a blink of an eye (not even a serious reason) for that someone to loose all admirance and love ...

I therefore declare myself cured... Hi hi! :)

[C.]